My Mentors Abide.

Originally posted to my personal blog: Rockets, Swords, & Shields on December 13, 2011

Last week, I mentioned – for probably the millionth time – how inspiring I find my best friend’s mother, Teresa. I realized that I haven’t really ever fully given credit to those who are my examples to follow. First, there’s the aforementioned Teresa Corbin, mother to Shaina and Matt, wife to BC, a very close friend of mine, Miki – who is one of the most amazing women of my generation, bar none, and my own mother, for obvious reasons. They’re amazing beautiful women, all. And – in the spirit of Christmas, I write my thanks to them here, and explain how they have inspired me and what lessons I have learned from them.

I’m going to write in reverse order from the list above, so to start with – my mother, the woman who was my first example for this job. My Mom has been through a lot, and goodness knows we definitely haven’t given her an easy road in parenting. Myself specifically through her and my dad for some very large loops about 10 years ago (wow! It’s really been that long?!). However, she has never stopped giving. Never stopped trying to set a good example for us, and she’s never – not once – ceased to put every single ounce of herself into being a mother to myself and my 5 sisters. Even now, the two youngest still just on their way into high school, she works hard to make sure they know how to function as young girls with values and respect for themselves. My mother taught me self-reliance. My mother taught me independence, and she taught me that family is more important than anything. She taught me that it’s truly better to give than to receive, and that if it is at all possible to help someone in need then it’s your job to do it. She showed me that sacrifice is how we learn to appreciate our lives and family, and that helping others is never out of the realm of possibility. Being a servant is the best thing you could ever be. My mom showed me the dedication and work that goes into being a stay-at-home mom. She also instilled in me the confidence to know that I can choose to be a working mom or a stay-at-home mom and succeed either way as a wonderful parent. Neither are easy, but both will fill your heart.

Miki is a girl I met while working at the bookstore back home. She is a single mom who, since I met her, has received a BA as well as a Master’s and started her career working as a Librarian for Alachua County – all the while raising one of the most perfect children I’ve ever had the great privilege of knowing. Riley is single handedly one of the most creative, independent, and intelligent girls I will ever know – and she has been such since I’ve known her when she was 2 years old. Miki has shown me patience like I’ve never known. She’s taught me how to embrace your child’s creativity, how to allow them individualism, without finding a spoiled brat at the end of the day hearing yes to everything. Riley knows the word ‘no’. She understands it and respects it. Miki treats Riley with respect, and gets it in return. She explains things to her rather than using platitudes. Conversations instead of orders. It should also be noted, I’ve never seen a parent get truer enjoyment from playing with their child than watching these two together. Miki embraces arts and crafts with her daughter like there is nothing better in this life to experience (and I can vouch, personally – there isn’t really). Miki has taught me not only how to be a parent, but how to be my child’s friend without losing their respect. She has shown me how to get every ounce of enjoyment from a child’s beauty and personality and how to know the person you’re raising without hovering.

Lastly, Teresa is the mother of my best friend of almost 14 years. I have had the privilege to know her children deeply and by extension her parenting as a basically adopted third child. Teresa trusts her children and has shown more fierce loyalty to them than I’ve ever seen in my life. She allows them to be adults (and has since we were young teens) within reason but always has held a presence in their life so that they have reciprocated and shared their lives with her when most kids prevalently pull away from their parents. I’ve watched both her daughter and her son rely on her and receive unfailing care. She is never too quick to criticize, though certainly has never shielded them from what they needed to hear. She encourages sports, literacy and art, exudes confidence and comfort, and works a full-time job to boot! Teresa has always been involved with her kids’ lives without having to pry. She knows them like the back of her hand and they know she’s always there for them beyond any doubt – let alone the confidence we have that she’s just as willing to be there for those of us who have become adopted members of the family. Teresa is as much a mother to me as my own, and in some ways has always held a spot in my heart just as big and important. She was there for me through some of the hardest moments of my life, and also more than ecstatically present for some of the happiest moments. She is so a part of my life, that in the same way that I regard her daughter as my son’s Aunt as truly as my own sisters – she is another of his Grandmothers. She always has made it clear that her house was open to me when I needed it – or simply when I wanted to come hang at Casa Corbin – and there have been ungodly amounts of times where she cooked me meals to fill my hungry tummy. One of the best moments of my early pregnancy last year (of which there were few, honestly) was going to spend time cuddling and watching movies with Shaina, and Teresa knowing how bad my morning sickness had been – made sure I had what I needed, but as soon as I mentioned I was hungry, happily set to cooking a full dinner for me to eat. Shaina and I have for a long time described each other as our female soulmate’s – and when I think of the saying ‘marry a girl and you marry her family,’ I realize how happy I am to know I have married the Corbin family and have this woman as my mother – real or not – for the rest of my life.

These women – and many others, trust me – have taught me, shaped me, and inspired me. I know that they have only made me better and I will be forever in awe of their abilities.

Merry Christmas, dear Void – thank you for the year you have given me, good and bad, the things I have learned are invaluable and I will always be grateful for it.

Creating My Masterpiece

Originally posted on my personal blog: Rockets, Swords, & Shields on November 5, 2011.

In college, I read My Name is Asher Lev for a class once. It’s this amazing and beautiful novel about a Jewish boy that – from the time he’s a toddler – has an affinity for art. Long story short – through the problems and the conflict between his passion and his culture, he becomes a painter. A very successful and brilliant painter. At one point in the story, the author (Chaim Potok) goes to painstaking efforts to explain how it feels for an artist to work so hard on a piece, and then to let it go. Basically how letting it go is letting go of part of your soul.

I did a little math the other day and figured something out. 24 hours a day, every day of the year for 18 years is 157,680 hours. Meanwhile, 40 hours a week, 52 weeks of the year for 18 years is 37,440 hours. That means by the time your child is 18, you’ve essentially been working 4 full-time jobs non-stop. Four. That’s twice as much as a lawyer working 60-70 hours a week. All the hours teaching, playing, rocking, “shh-ing”, healing and kissing boo-boos, building with blocks, singing songs, taking pictures, going on walks, spelling, learning to ride a bike, talking, eating, taking baths, going over homework, science fair projects, - and God knows that’s not more than 10% of what we spend our lives doing. All the worrying and planning - the sheer terror that is putting so much of yourself into this one goal – the hopes and working toward creating this person. Making your whole life the building of someone else’s life. All this – just so you can let them go. Let that huge, massive, complete and continental chunk of your soul…go out into the world, free to succeed or magnificently fail.

That’s what we’ve chosen. That’s the life I’ve chosen. And I’m grateful for it.

Before this year, I understood what being a parent was. I knew that my child would be amazing in my eyes and that I would think he hung the moon. What I didn’t know – or rather: comprehend – was how I truly, with every fiber/atom/neuron/thought in my being, would believe he’s the single most perfect thing I have ever done. I didn’t understand how despite going days without more than 30 minutes of sleep at a time, I would still lovingly rise from my bed to come and rock my child back to sleep. How when I hate him, I love him. And when he does even the infinitely smallest new thing, my heart soars. Stretch marks are battle scars, exhaustion is status quo. And it’s more wonderful than I really could have ever guessed.

Returning from the depths, once again...

Originally posted on my personal blog: Rockets, Swords, & Shields on August 19, 2011

Day 15: Take the time to focus on yourself. Appreciate and give thanks for your unique personality, skills and talents.

This day, I really thought of all the things about myself that I love. The main of which being my love of education and insatiable need to learn. Those skills and talents that jumped to mind were my love of photography and creativity with different art projects. I really enjoyed taking a moment to tell myself what I’m good at and what’s great about me – especially focusing on non-physical characteristics.

Day 16: Stand in front of the mirror for five minutes and focus on at least five things that you love about yourself. Write them down in your journal.

1.       My hair. No matter the color – which certainly has varied over the years.

2.       My eyes.

3.       My tattoos.

4.       My feet.

5.       My c-section scar. I both love and hate this scar. It makes me self-conscious more than anything ever has before, and I hate how it looks – but at the same time, it is quite literally my battle scar from becoming a mother. And because of that, I will love it forever.

Day 17: Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today.

My sister Brittany. Not just Brittany, all of my sisters: Jennie, Kristi, Courtney, & Hayley also fill huge holes in my life and in my heart. Each of them is individually amazing and mean so much to me. But Brittany. Brittany is not only my sister, she’s my best friend. For the two of us, it’s like we share a soul and when I’m apart from her I never feel completely whole until she’s nearby again. She offers a presence in my life that I will always be grateful for, because if it weren’t for her I would never ever feel like a complete person.

Day 18: For the past three days, you have focused on appreciating what makes you unique. Write about all the things that make you so loveable. Take a moment to appreciate your personal style, talents and charm.

Well, I mean – I am pretty adorably witty. : ) I am fiercely loyal and will always defend those I love and do anything humanly possible to help them. I am pretty sarcastic, though – but I find that most of my closest friends and my husband love me most because of that sarcasm and deadpan sense of humor. Let alone the obvious romantically cute and cuddly side of me – which truly does exist, all sarcastic silliness aside.

Day 19: Have confidence in all the choices you have made today and be grateful for being able to believe in yourself.

I honestly don’t know what to write today, but I have in fact been embracing what this says. That’s all I can really say..

Day 20: As the challenge winds down, write a thank you note to yourself. Thank yourself for taking the time to stop and focus on all the little things for which you feel grateful.

Well here we go – thank you. Thank you for taking this chance to work on changing the way you see things. Becoming less pessimistic. Doing this for yourself and no one else and thereby – taking a break from Mommyhood and enjoying the fact that you are still you. Thanks for that most of all.

Day 21: Reflect on the 21 days of The Gratitude Challenge and what this process has meant to you.

The last three weeks have been amazing. I covered it in my thank you note mostly – but needless to say/be redundant, this has done a lot for my overall mood and perspective. I appreciate it and so does Corey.

So, goodbye Challenge. Thanks for all you did.

"...It brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. "

Originally posted on my personal blog: Rockets, Swords, & Shields on June 30, 2011

Here we are, finishing the second week of the challenge. Only one left? Wow! I will say it is easier to consolidate what I wrote/did into incremental entries rather than trying to write a full thing every day. Let’s dive right in, shall we?

Day 10: Pick one of your five senses to focus on each day. Take note of how many gifts come to you via that single part of entry. Write about this experience.

So I did this for a couple days, focusing on my sight, hearing, and sense of smell. And it was wonderful.

The first day was focused on hearing and I adored paying closer attention to the sound of Corey’s voice, and Owen’s coos and laughs. I listened to the rain, and to the birds that come to our porch through my bribes of birdseed. The sound of the wind in the trees outside relaxed me and gave me an appreciation for summer I haven’t felt since I was a kid.

The second day I focused on my sight – feeling especially thankful for how much I still love and appreciate being able to see Corey physically in front of me every day, as compared to the many years of long distance and missing his physical presence in my life. I took a walk and looked at gorgeous flowers and plants blooming all over the place in the neighborhoods near our house, and watched Owen as he intently looked around learning constantly about new things that will one day become normal and virtually unnoticed. I watched him look back at me, recognize me and smile his cute new-toothy smile. I looked at my books and the book I’m currently reading, obscenely grateful for my ability to experience one of the greatest loves of my life – literature – and being able to enjoy their company, and the sense of home they give me.

The last day, I was paying attention to my sense of smell and took note of the great smells of what I was cooking (particularly a BBQ Chicken & Provolone Grilled Cheese I invented). The smell of Corey’s cologne that I have always loved – remembering that when we were apart I grew emotionally attached to the smell as it would be embedded in my clothes when I would come home from visiting him, and it would make me feel as though he weren’t so far away. The smell of Owen’s newly washed hair – to quote Gilmore Girls, “She was the most beautiful pink all over. She even smelled pink. That sounds weird. I can't describe it - that little, pink, baby smell. The first time her eyes focused on me and her little fingers reached out... I was someone new. She had me.” – That’s exactly what goes through my head whenever I look at him, smell his hair or skin, or hear him make some adorably cute new sound.

Day 11: Try to see the world through the eyes of a child. Think about the things you take for granted on a daily basis, and then express gratitude for everything down to the basic necessities that sustain your current life.

Rather than write a long thing here, I wrote a list of the things that I appreciate & particularly loved as a kid – and how amazing they still are – even though they somehow get taken for granted as we get older.

Magic markers, Freshly cut grass, Swimming pools, Stickers, Watercolors & Finger paints, Apples, Cheese, Soft Blankets, Bubbles, Strawberries, Oranges, Cool Whip, Cinnamon Sugar on Toast, Waffles with Syrup, Flowers, Birds, Rain, Thunder, Dandelion puffs, Butterflies, Chipmunks

That’s my list. Consider each one, and you’ll remember how amazing they were to you as a kid.

Day 12: Today, make the effort to live life with a positive outlook. Restrain from criticizing the people around you. Dare to see the glass half full. Listen more than you speak. Give freely of yourself. Practice kindness at every opportunity.

The hard part of this one was seeing the glass half full and to restrain from criticizing – which I altered to include sarcastic remarks, my weakness & default in communication. I have been doing better though and decided to keep making this effort every day through the rest of the challenge (and beyond?). I do notice though that so far in the challenge I really have been feeling more generally happy and appreciative of my life and circumstances. It’s a great change that’s happening.

Day 13: Pick three friends or family members you see regularly. View their actions and gestures through a positive lens, assuming their goodness and witnessing their best intentions.

Since the only people I see are Corey and Owen, I mended this to include friends and family I talk to regularly. Which I chose to be my friend Shaina, my sister Brittany, and my sister Kristi (who the day before this, on day 12, gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl named Bridget Marie). I was confused by this post, since I feel like I always do this with them but none the less I made a point to do it, and I feel like my positive attitude towards them was reflected in our conversation and just made the whole experience more positive – though with Kristi, that could easily be credited to that gorgeous new wee babe. : )

Day 14: It’s been two weeks since you started The Gratitude Challenge. Write about how The Challenge has changed your perspective thus far.

I kind of talked about this in the day 12 entry, but I’ll write a bit more about it today. Since starting this challenge two weeks ago, my perspective regarding my unemployment situation and how my life is going has completely changed. I have gone from frustration and fear to be completely excited and working on trying to find new opportunities and new paths for myself. It has led to some new projects and possibly new life avenues, though that is for another day when things have progressed a bit more. I have realized how what I had always thought was the basic plan for my life (and really, what we all grow up with) is not necessarily how my life is going to go – or should go. This openness in my life is an opportunity, and I plan to take full advantage of it. I’m getting the chance to invent an entirely new existence for myself, which I feel like few people do – or they just don’t have the courage to take part in it.

 

“When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears”

Originally posted on my personal blog: Rockets, Swords, & Shields on June 25, 2011

So, I haven't posted simply because the last few days haven't really been assignments that involve much writing. I'll post them so you know what I mean and the blog continues its fluidity though:

Day 6: Take a few minutes to call someone you haven't talked to in a while. Tell them how much you appreciate them.

Day 7: Take a picture of one thing, person, place, or specific moment that makes you feel grateful. Share it with your social network.

Day 8: Send thank you notes to five people who deserve a little recognition.

Laurel Sherer, Brittany Lovvorn, Miki Wolfe, Teresa Corbin, and Anita Simoneaux --- you've got mail comin' your way. : )

Day 9: Enjoy the people around you. Take a moment to appreciate their unique talents, abilities and personalities.

 The people around me are Owen & Corey. While I most definitely did take many moments today to think about them as we spent time together on such a beautiful Saturday, I'm going to skip writing anything as I have written a lot about them in the last couple entries and I fear redundancy. 

So those are the last few days, I've looked ahead though and the next few days each offer opportunities to write. And it should be noted that each of these weeks has a theme, the first having been "Being Grateful for What You Have" and as of Day 8, the second week's theme started with the focus "Be Grateful for Everything Around You". 

That being said, have a lovely Saturday night and enjoy your Sunday - I certainly will be.

"..Our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow.."

Originally posted on my personal blog: Rockets, Swords, & Shields on June 21, 2011

Day 4: Write a short message of thanks for some of the “negative” things in your life.

Well, this shouldn’t be too complicated for me to do. While I’m currently working to avoid thinking about things negatively, I certainly don’t need to be asked twice to write off what those things are. The biggest being the whole unemployment scenario – which, I know, is probably a bit of a broken record topic at this point but none the less, I’m told to write about negative things in my life and that’s the main thing these days.

The reasons for why I consider unemployment are negative, are obvious, and well versed on this blog already. However, the reasons for why it is positive haven’t really been discussed to my knowledge, so here I will say that I am thankful for not having to work right now because of the following:

First and foremost, I am getting to enjoy a gift that most women I know are not able to take part in, and that is being a stay at home mom. Sure it may be temporary, but if there was any time I could choose to be at home for Owen’s life – this would be it. Every day, it seems, there is something new happening or a big change coming – he is constantly learning and growing in new ways that I feel completely privileged to be able to witness. I know that this is time I will never get back and that I will forever cherish being home with him so there is a silver lining to this cloud.

Secondly, not having to work right now is allowing me to get some plans and research done for things that had always been far off dreams. Giving me the chance to figure out how – and when – to make them a reality, which may not have been possible if I had to juggle working 40-50 hours a week along with being a mom to an infant. The brain power just wouldn’t be present at the end of the day to think about how to open a bookstore eventually, the cost, business plan, and etcetera. Or actually realizing that I should do more than just toss around vague general statements of how I should or will “one day” write a book – and now, instead of not knowing what I would ever write about (should I finally have the inclination), I have realized two books that are in me to write, if not more. I have taken note of my heroes and what they have taught me, I have pondered things that need to be fixed in our society – and ways that I could start working to help bring a solution about.

Lastly, I have gotten the time to really know myself. My identity is not a mystery, nor a monster in the shadows. I know the good and the bad about myself, and am okay with it. Rather than plowing into a career mindlessly with the expectation that one day I will know who I am and be happy/successful/blah, blah, blah – I know who I am now, I am happy now, I am successful now. Albeit in a different way than was originally planned – but perhaps that was the problem: believing that I wasn’t successful in life until I had achieved career and educations goals “a,” “b,” and “c.” My life over the last few years has not gone according to plan, but it’s worked out better in some ways than I could have planned it to, and maybe I should be taking that to heart and truly realizing how little “success” really means to a happy life.

Day 5: Take five minutes to write about how grateful you are for all of the wonderful things that you currently have in your life. Don’t long for what you don’t possess – instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy.

Okay, it is 11:44pm, and I am now beginning my five minutes. The wonderful things I currently have in my life – list, and then expansion: Corey, Owen, Cleveland, Brittany, “projects”, our home.

Corey and Owen are givens really – but then, I think my entire list, is pretty self-explanatory. They mean the world to me and quite literally complete my life. What I don’t have or do is never as big a deal when I am taking into consideration what they both mean to me. Cleveland is far away yes, but it is a new adventure with Corey, and it is beautiful. The weather is perfectly amazing every day – even when it’s raining, it’s gorgeous. I’ve gotten to experience so much and learn about an entirely new part of the country that I had never seen before moving here – and there is still SO much! Brittany – another piece of my life’s puzzle that I 100% could not survive without. We don’t talk every day but it’s enough to keep close and just enough to make me miss her. She is the other half of my soul, and when I talk to her – even through texts – I feel more like myself, and more alive. The “projects” I’ve already written about on here are such a blessing; I love doing Susie Homemaker things and it makes me so happy to be doing stuff for Corey and I to enjoy as a family and not just in my own home, and I am truly excited about the possibilities awaiting me from all the things I have coming. Our home, it may not have been perfect at all times in the last year, but it is Corey and I’s first place together, where I spent the bulk of my pregnancy, cooked my first Thanksgiving – and Christmas – meals, and brought Owen home to spend the beginning of his life. For that, I will always love this apartment and forever have a strong sentimentality attached to it.

And that is 8 minutes of writing, folks. : ) Be back in a day or two with the next assignments. Hoping all is going well, and that a pleasant week is reaching everyone. Goodnight, Void. 

What a Wonderful World

Originally posted on my personal blog: Rockets, Swords, & Shields on June 19, 2011

First – while I did my assignment for Day 2 of the Gratitude challenge on time, I didn’t post it on here yesterday because I got distracted getting my hair done and taking Owen swimming for the first time. : ) So here it is:

 

Day 2: Use the alphabet as a fun and quick format for making a list of things for which you feel grateful. Share this list with your social network through email, a blog post or a Facebook or Myspace page.

A: adventure                                               N: nieces

B: books                                                     O: owen

C: corey                                                      P: pets

D: debates with friends                                Q: questions

E: experience                                              R: relatives

F: faith                                                        S: soulmates

G: gardening                                                T: travel

H: health                                                     U: ustime with corey

I:  imagination                                              V: vision

J:  jokes                                                      W: weddings

K: kisses                                                     X: xxx ;)

L: love                                                        Y: youth

M: muffins                                                  Z: zoos

Now, to continue to be on time I’ll go ahead and post day 3 in this same entry. It’s actually rather fitting since today is Father’s Day: 

 

Day 3: Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today.

I’m grateful for my family. I could write entire blogs about each person and what they mean to me, but since today is Father’s Day, I’m going to limit it to my Dad and Corey.

 

To begin, my Dad – or Daddy, as I still proudly and lovingly call him – has always been someone I looked up to. I have watched him for my entire life, wanting to do and say things in the same way he did, making his interests my own to further my relationship with him. This is why I now have such a lifelong love of fishing, as well as a great affinity towards watching and following professional golf (even though I am much too uncoordinated to learn to play myself, sadly). My Dad taught me and continues to teach by example – how to have a streak of pride in yourself, but more so in your family; being honest and living with integrity; learning to live independently but always knowing that family is there if you need them – no matter the situation or the consequences.  He taught me that there is nothing wrong with a man crying – nothing – and that telling someone you love them should be as common as saying “Hello,” because what else could be more important to say? He has been an amazing father through my life, and I am so excited for the future and watching him get to enjoy being a Granddad to Owen. : )

 

Corey is new to being a Dad still, but he is hitting it out of the park so far. In the midst of everything that is so busy and hectic about our life, Corey stands strong with a constant love and excitement for spending time with Owen. He loves to play with him, invent games, cuddle, and simply watch Owen learn. – Such as this week, when he finally started to grab his own feet. : )Corey helps happily without ever worrying about the hassle – and he gets so protective over his little man, checking on Owen in his crib at least once for every night. : ) He grew up with a wonderful example of a father in his own home, and I have no doubt that he’s going to be a better father to Owen than I could have ever dreamed of. 

So, Happy Father's Day to all of you who mean so much to the rest of us - appreciation and gratitude, they just don't seem to be big enough words in this situation. 

New challenges, new ideas, new outlook

Originally posted on my personal blog: Rocket, Swords, & Shields on June 17, 2011

 

 
Hello, Void. Did you have a good week? Here we have been enjoying spectacular weather and new smiles from Owen every day. He continues to get familiar (and less scared of) his laugh, talks constantly, and today started to find his feet for the first time. Through all of the crazy things happening, and the intense lack of employment taking place in my department, Owen honestly is like a baby version of Vicodin. There isn't anything special or over-emotional about it - he simply makes me happy. I've always been entertained my simple things, but this kid makes me literally spend most of my day just smiling at how adorable he is all the time. It entertains me so much to watch him learn new things every single day and each time he smiles, it's like watching a Disney movie for the first time.

Since the wee one has such a positive effect on me in the midst of all this frustration, I've realized that I need to finally work to change my perspective a little to try and be a bit more generally happy with how my life is - because while it is truly necessary I find a job .. there's no telling how long it will be before I have one. And I'm simply no longer interested in letting it bother me. Instead, Corey and I are discussing our options as a family, and I am working on some projects to change how I live my life day-to-day outside of Owen. I'm doing some research for a long term project regarding happiness, learning, and education; I've also been asked to take part in a co-op blog which will start sometime soon - don't worry, I'll give more info once it gets more developed; this entire year I've been working to try new recipes and expand my cooking horizons, and that still moves forward; and lastly a challenge to possibly change how I think of things.

First up, a good friend of mine introduced me to something that was created by Tiny Prints (which is a favorite site of mine, and the place where we bought Owen's birth announcements from) that is called the Gratitude Challenge. This challenge is meant to teach each of us to take a little time each day to be thankful for what is in our life. Over the course of 21 days, I will spend each day completing a task that is written out in the calendar of the challenge which I have printed out and mounted on the wall about our computer. I really want to commit to this and work to make a change with how I choose to initially react to something. This is not going to completely eradicate my pessimism (which I lovingly call realism) but hopefully it will help my general demeanor to be a bit happier and more thankful for the things that are going well in my life despite the things that are problematic at the time.

So I believe that this serves to meet my commitment for Day 1, which asks that I sign the contract and make a commitment to take note and give thanks for the next 21 days. Express why "you" accepted this challenge and what "you" hope to achieve from it. So here we are. Signed, sealed, and delivered.

Choose now or forever hold your peace.

Originally posted on my personal blog: Rockets, Swords, & Shields on April 19, 2011

So to begin with this week, I’m going to write a response to a blog that I’ve been reading a lot of the last month or so: A Cup of Jo. She wrote a blog today asking how her readers felt about the gender of their child while they were pregnant – if anyone had a preference on what they wanted to have, how they felt when they did or didn’t end up having a baby of that sex, and whether they thought it was ok or a bad thing to have such a preference or hope. I thought it was a great question so I wanted to respond as a blog and share it with all of you rather than just a comment response. (If she actually comes to read this: Hi Joanna!!!)

As some of you know, I am one of six girls with a great many cousins who are for the most part – also girls. My husband, Corey, is one of four boys so that was like a dream come true for me, because I had wanted to have boys for as long as I can remember. The strange thing was though that even though I had wanted a boy my whole life, now that I was actually pregnant, I found myself absolutely terrified of actually getting what I’d always wanted. Mind you I was never really anti-girl, I just wanted something different and didn’t want to deal with any more of the PMS and drama that I had grown up with being around so many girls (not to mention my own cup o’ craziness). I had never been a big fan of dress-up; I had never done too many girly things as a child myself and didn’t really have any interest in doing them now. – But once faced with having a child, knowing I’d be raising it far away from any family…I wanted what I knew. I had helped raise my two youngest sisters and had babysat little girls countless times. I know what their development is, how to take care of them, - what to expect. The idea of having a boy went from being everything I’d ever wanted to the scariest thing in the world – for God’s sake, they pee standing up!

Eventually though, after about two months of panic, my mind returned to where it once had been – back to serenity and resolve. I wanted a boy, and was even more certain than I was before. I wanted that sweet boy that I could teach to be a decent man – a boy I could watch play baseball, soccer, lacrosse, or whatever he set his mind to. I loved the simplicity of boys. Everything that had been worrying me now exhilarated me. I adored that while girls can be counted on to be sneaky, boys can be counted on to do their silly crazy stunts out in the open. I never felt bad about having a preference, because I knew that should we find out we were having a girl, I would end up being just as thrilled with a little baby princess as I was when I found out it was a boy. Corey though, sheepishly asked me once a couple days before we were to find out, “Would it make me a bad dad if I said I wanted a boy more than a girl?” My immediate response was a resounding, “No” – after all, what man doesn’t want a boy? Fathers all obviously love their girls but it’s just an obvious idea for Corey to want a son. And plus, why would he be wrong if I was doing the same thing? :)

I know that if we had been given a girl everything would have been lovely, but having Owen has just been so wonderful. It’s exciting to be doing something new, and to look forward to all the things that will be different. Also, he’s just too adorable to not find fascinating. His little whimpers and coos make me constantly excited for the next thing to come from him, and I am just thrilled about seeing every stage that will come in the future. He is everything I had always wanted, and it’s only been three months. I look forward to finding out how similar his is to Corey – if he’ll be that goofy, silly boy who’s always pulling pranks and joking around but then five minutes later is being sweet and loving. I also long to see if he’ll be like both of us in our undying love of music and books – though, I think so far, the verdict on music is a resounding yes. The child loves listening to our albums of Elvis, Dave Matthews, the Beatles, James Carr, and so on – I try to throw in classical occasionally as well, because we both like it and I know it’s good for Owen to hear it, but it’s just too fun sometimes trying to discover new artists that he likes … and I just completely adore being able to say that my child has loved 60’s Soul since he was born more than any other music. :) 

Long story short – I did have a preference. I had a mild panic stage of being scared of that idea for a while, but in the end I got what I wanted – and it’s everything I had hoped it would be. Now if only I could find as many cute clothes for boys as there are out there for little girls…

"I finally got an answer.."

Originally posted on my personal blog: Rockets, Swords, & Shields on February 17, 2011

"All those years that I prayed - that I begged on my hands and knees - for God to make me more, give me more, make me better, make me stronger, make me saner, - make all my dreams come true - I finally got an answer. You. Right there in one person, all I'd ever wanted to be or do." 

- Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

In five days, Owen will be a month old. I am completely incapable of comprehending how that happened. I still feel like we were just at the hospital going through labor. Over the less couple days I've been becoming acquainted with the reality of being a mom by myself - you see, my mom left on Sunday and Corey promptly got sick Tuesday afternoon so this week has been very much just me and Owen. We have camped out in the living room, giving Corey the master bedroom and some space so he doesn't hear Owen cry in the night, and the most "fun" part has been that Owen started going through what I'm deciding must be a growth spurt yesterday afternoon so he has been eating every 1 1/2- 2 hours (mind you, he eats for 30 minutes at a time) so that isn't leaving much time for any kind of normal sleep pattern, or eating, or anything really. Thus the reason that it's 2:30 in the morning and I'm writing a blog...

I decided to write this blog however, with the idea in mind that since Owen is turning a month old in a few days, it would be cool to write either a blog centered around him or a blog kind of letter addressed to him. I think it's turning into both in a way, because the letter part is still forthcoming. So enjoy, or don't if you so choose. 

To my beautiful little man, my Buddy, my monkey,

There are some things that I never liked about being pregnant with you. It was an exhausting process, that for a majority of the time was painful or in the very least uncomfortable. Labor was every ounce of the most pain I've ever experienced in my life (yes, my child, I had an epidural - but that was only effective for certain portions of the labor - and by no means did it save me from the most painful part towards the end), however, at the end of that particular day twenty-six days ago - I got you. As you can tell, that has not washed away my memories of how things really happened, as so many would like to pretend it does, but I will say that regardless of how miserable it was - you are worth it. 

Over the last few weeks, I have been your source of sustenance, comfort, and security. None of that will change any time soon, but I do want to tell you that even at those moments when you frustrate me most - whether it be your obstinate way of refusing to eat even though I know you're hungry, or you're cries and temper tantrums simply because you're bored and want more attention - even though you utterly exhaust me at those moments, I can't even find myself capable of getting upset for more than a few seconds because I look at you and find myself overtaken by feelings of happiness just at how beautiful you are. It amazes me how mellow of a child you have been since birth, after such a complicated pregnancy, and I am endlessly thankful for how perfect you are despite how many things could have gone wrong throughout my pregnancy and specifically the end of my labor which led to your birth by c-section. Despite all of those possibilities though, God still was kind enough to give me a son with no health problems, who has the most beautiful face that can literally calm me down no matter what I'm feeling simply because I am so grateful. 

I know that this is only the beginning, and that your abilities to exhaust, infuriate, and utterly wear me down will only increase over time - but I also know just as surely, that my feelings of gratefulness will always accompany my consciousness whenever I think about or look at you. I will never forget how incredibly thankful I was when you were born and your Dad said that everything was okay. I will also always remember how saddened I was for the couple down the hall from us in the hallway on the postpartum floor who had to give birth to their child at 25 weeks due to complications and early labor - and how much more appreciative I was to God again for giving you to me in such perfect health and beauty once I was reminded how easily things can go awry. 

Owen, my baby, my son, - I write all of these things so that you know that despite all of the hardships that may befall us throughout life and parenthood, you have always been - and will always be - worth it. I love you..