Confessions can happen at any time...

 July 2013 - Dirty Girl Mud Run

I started going to the gym daily this week and it's been kind of an all new realization for me about how much I need to change my life to get back to how I used to be. When I say 'used to be' I'm talking about my lifestyle in high school and my size in college. I worked out regularly, could bench press 120lbs (not a ton, but a whole lot more than I could today) and squat over 200lbs. I could run a few miles and enjoyed generally being healthy. Now, I miss that life and have been trying to get back to it. I "ran" my first 5k last summer - let's be honest, I basically went on a 3.5 mile hike and got super muddy, but I was proud to complete all of the obstacles on the course. This year I've decided to do the Dirty Girl Mud Run as well as some other 5k's and possibly my first 10k so I'm working on getting my endurance up to be able to truly run these races. 

Going ziplining for the 1st time, January 2013

My confession is to share with all of you that this is not easy (big surprise). I've been doing a low carb diet since October 1st and so far have lost about 25lbs (December was not a part of that). In some ways, I'm used to it and it genuinely doesn't bother me, in others it just sucks. I watch my family eat pasta and bread and pancakes and I basically hate them. I look down at my healthy lchf meal, I have to force myself sometimes to remember why I'm doing this. Why I'm not eating cookies or birthday cake. Why I'm making low carb brownies from scratch instead of scarfing down the Mallowmars I really want. When my alarm goes off at 5:30 in the morning, I don't want to get up. Who wants to get up that early? The sun isn't even up yet! The sun is only just rising as I leave the gym at 7:30! But once I'm in the gym and I'm starting my routine, I'm glad I'm there and taking the steps I have to to become a better version of myself. I set tiny goals for myself inside of my long term goal and look forward to reaching each one (about every 10lbs is a milestone). I tried on a bikini a couple weeks ago and decided that if I lose another 25lbs by summer I'll buy it and embrace wearing a bikini for the first time in 7 years knowing that I'll have made huge progress and that despite still having stretchmarks, and imperfect body, and a 7" scar from having the boys - I'll have lost at least 50lbs in less than a year. 

 Me this morning, January 2014

So all the cravings, the soreness, the blisters, the general annoyance - it's worth it. It isn't fun and I don't always like what I'm doing (read: frequently) - but eventually I'll come to love it and I know it'll be something I'm grateful for doing.

My confession today is...

Photo credit to the amazing Lauren K. Photography

My husband just got back into town after being away for two weeks - so my confession today is simple and plain: I need to spend time with him rather than time on my laptop. So I'm taking today off. Hope you all have a great Thursday!

A confession about my husband.

I know I'm very late today with my post, I just left the house this morning before I even realized I hadn't written for the day! So, without any further adieu - here's my confession for the week.

I love my husband. For those of you who don't know him, his name is Corey. The confession, though, since hopefully my being in love with him is not news - is that I believe he is absolutely, 100% the most perfect partner I could have ever found. Yes, there are other fish in the sea that I could have chosen. However, he is the one that makes me feel safe. He is the one who makes me adventurous. He is the reason I can feel at home no matter where in the country I am. Wherever he leads, I will follow because he is the person who makes me feel whole. He keeps me silly, he makes me laugh, he pushes me to try new things, and go to places I never would have considered. He fights with me and keeps me on my toes - he helps me realize what is and isn't worth fighting for. As we begin this year, I already know we'll be going into an amazing new adventure and I still can't know where it will take us or how - but I know one thing for sure: if he's there, I'll be there - and we'll be exactly where we're supposed to be. For all the miles we have traversed to be with one another and to stay with one another ... for all the flights, midnight and dawn roadtrips, letters, emails, photos, Skype dates, and care packages - it is all a part of the story that built us.

It isn't really a surprising confession, but it's what I'm feeling and thinking today so I'm using the metaphorical loudspeaker of this blog to say it all loud and proud to him as he sits on our couch in Cleveland and I sit on my parents' couch in Archer, Florida watching our sons run around and play as they watch Finding Nemo for the 84,000th time. So now, this part is directly to Corey:

Googus,
I'll love you forever. I'll fight with you (and pick fights with you, let's be honest) and make up with you, I'll compromise and antagonize, I'll tackle you and cuddle you, I'll pestercate you and cover you in fishy kisses, I'll annoy you and mystify you ... but no matter what I'm doing, I'll always be with you. We'll work through our differences, we'll realign priorities, and we'll build a life together. We'll create a history to lean back on as we move forward into the unknown. Full of song lyrics, movie, and book quotes, full of silly jokes, pillow fights, and pranks - it'll be endlessly worth it. You're more like my father and grandfather than I first realized, but I could never explain how grateful for all of those qualities in you that I first fell in love with. Your tenderness, your fierceness, your loyalty, and your absolute passion for me and our future together. - Thank you for being my best friend and the boy I'll always be wrapped up in.

First confessions are the hardest.

So I wrote on Tuesday that I'm going to start writing little confessional posts or essays here each Thursday. Since I've been very sick with a virus the last couple days my first of these will be pretty simple. I apologize for the lack of flare this week - it'll return soon!

As I write this, it occurs to me that if I'm going to start any confession, the first will have to be sharing where my life is right now. And that is Limbo. My husband lost his job a month ago today. We were so lucky to have a little bit of savings that I'd finally started building only a few months ago as well as supportive family so we've been making it, though as time passes it could understandably get harder. We're currently staying with my family in Florida because it's financially smarter (read: less stressful/scary) than to head back to Cleveland and hope for the best. This is absolutely the first time I've ever truly been worried about our life and where it's going to go, because there is no telling what is going to happen, where it will take us, or how long it will take to get there.

That being said, I've not for one second lost faith that it will all be okay. I know in the depths of my soul that this is happening for a reason (several of which I've already seen) and that wherever we go next will be the place we're meant to be. It's almost been creepily serene in my head. I know my husband will continue to be the amazing provider he has always been for our family, our children will not want for anything and they will continue to grow up in a loving household surrounded by people who adore them. It's never a part of anyone's life plan to have this happen - certainly not for those of us with kids - but this is where we find ourselves. I know that solutions will come and that we will survive.

This past Sunday morning, as I sat in the midst of the church I grew up in, the pastor mentioned a verse that struck a new cord with me. He recited the first part of Psalm 118:24, which says, "This is the day that the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." As he said it, I heard in the words a new context I'd never realized before. No matter the day's events - no matter how terrible, horrible, no good, very bad - it has still been a day created by God. It's still a day with meaning. With a lesson for me and you to learn, even within the profound darkness in which we sometimes find ourselves - there's still something good. Somewhere. I've been sick and miserable for 36 hours, but laughingly told my mother and father tonight that the silver lining was that I'd lost 4 pounds. My husband isn't working - and in some ways that uncertainty could be terrifying - but I choose to look at the fact that we've enjoyed our Christmas holiday together as a family without the stress from his former job which had been reaching insurmountable levels in recent months. I choose to look at the fact that our options are endless right now as to where we might go next, and that in any given place - even the ones we might not particularly love - there are people there who love living there and would welcome us into their lives. I choose to look at the fact that I am so so lucky to have a family that is able to support and help us in this time when thousands of others go without that every day. This is our life for now, and one day it will only be a small part of our story. It has taught us some incredibly valuable lessons, and has brought the importance of charity and faith to the forefront of my mind.

I hope that each of you has a wonderful day and that you take the time to look for the good in your day, no matter how small it might be.



Disclaimer: I know that not everyone is religious and my recent mentions of Biblical concepts and verses is not an attempt to annoy any of you, it's simply me writing about what is on my mind. I don't intend to make this a specifically religious blog, however, as I am a Christian there will be times when I mention such things. I hope not to offend anyone, I am merely sharing a little something that I believe could strike a cord with anyone - regardless of affiliation or faith. The Fruit of the Spirit project I'm working on this year will undoubtedly include some religious posts or mentions, however, I chose to do it because the nine fruits of the spirit are things which we could all use more of in our lives and in many ways reflect the very core of what I want Law of Bambi to be about.