"All those years that I prayed - that I begged on my hands and knees -
for God to make me more, give me more, make me better, make me stronger,
make me saner, - make all my dreams come true - I finally got an
answer. You. Right there in one person, all I'd ever wanted to be or
do."
- Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
In five days, Owen will be a month old. I am completely incapable of
comprehending how that happened. I still feel like we were just at the
hospital going through labor. Over the less couple days I've been
becoming acquainted with the reality of being a mom by myself - you see,
my mom left on Sunday and Corey promptly got sick Tuesday afternoon so
this week has been very much just me and Owen. We have camped out in the
living room, giving Corey the master bedroom and some space so he
doesn't hear Owen cry in the night, and the most "fun" part has been
that Owen started going through what I'm deciding must be a growth spurt
yesterday afternoon so he has been eating every 1 1/2- 2 hours (mind
you, he eats for 30 minutes at a time) so that isn't leaving much time
for any kind of normal sleep pattern, or eating, or anything really.
Thus the reason that it's 2:30 in the morning and I'm writing a blog...
I decided to write this blog however, with the idea in mind that since
Owen is turning a month old in a few days, it would be cool to write
either a blog centered around him or a blog kind of letter addressed to
him. I think it's turning into both in a way, because the letter part is
still forthcoming. So enjoy, or don't if you so choose.
To my beautiful little man, my Buddy, my monkey,
There are some things that I never liked about being pregnant with you.
It was an exhausting process, that for a majority of the time was
painful or in the very least uncomfortable. Labor was every ounce of the
most pain I've ever experienced in my life (yes, my child, I had an
epidural - but that was only effective for certain portions of the labor
- and by no means did it save me from the most painful part towards the
end), however, at the end of that particular day twenty-six days ago - I
got you. As you can tell, that has not washed away my memories of how
things really happened, as so many would like to pretend it does, but I
will say that regardless of how miserable it was - you are worth it.
Over the last few weeks, I have been your source of sustenance, comfort,
and security. None of that will change any time soon, but I do want to
tell you that even at those moments when you frustrate me most - whether
it be your obstinate way of refusing to eat even though I know you're
hungry, or you're cries and temper tantrums simply because you're bored
and want more attention - even though you utterly exhaust me at those
moments, I can't even find myself capable of getting upset for more than
a few seconds because I look at you and find myself overtaken by
feelings of happiness just at how beautiful you are. It amazes me how
mellow of a child you have been since birth, after such a complicated
pregnancy, and I am endlessly thankful for how perfect you are despite
how many things could have gone wrong throughout my pregnancy and
specifically the end of my labor which led to your birth by c-section.
Despite all of those possibilities though, God still was kind enough to
give me a son with no health problems, who has the most beautiful face
that can literally calm me down no matter what I'm feeling simply
because I am so grateful.
I know that this is only the beginning, and that your abilities to
exhaust, infuriate, and utterly wear me down will only increase over
time - but I also know just as surely, that my feelings of gratefulness
will always accompany my consciousness whenever I think about or look at
you. I will never forget how incredibly thankful I was when you were
born and your Dad said that everything was okay. I will also always
remember how saddened I was for the couple down the hall from us in the
hallway on the postpartum floor who had to give birth to their child at
25 weeks due to complications and early labor - and how much more
appreciative I was to God again for giving you to me in such perfect
health and beauty once I was reminded how easily things can go awry.
Owen, my baby, my son, - I write all of these things so that you know
that despite all of the hardships that may befall us throughout life and
parenthood, you have always been - and will always be - worth it. I
love you..
